With school starting back this week, I thought it might be a good idea to re-post my ground rules… for anyone who might be interested.

Rule One
If you pull up in front of my house and blow the horn, you’d better be making a delivery, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
Do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes and/or hands off my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four
I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five
In order for us to get to know each other, we would need to talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please don’t do this. The only information I want from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house… and the only word I need to hear from you on this subject is “early, Sir”.

Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh or fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate bridge. Instead of just standing there, make yourself useful and change the oil in my truck.

Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:

  • Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool
  • Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
  • Places where there is darkness.
  • Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
  • Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-Shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat
  • Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided.

Places that are okay include:

  • Movies that feature chainsaws
  • Hockey games (go Stars!)
  • Old folks homes!

Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I an the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and a big back yard. Don’t triffle with me.

Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of you car for a chopper coming in low over the tree line. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull-up, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the preimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside.

There, I think that should be sufficient.